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The half-day.

We are not those folks that need an occasion to try. And that’s what they call it, too. Trying. As if the very idea of it is taxing. It’s not taxing and we are not those people.

No. We do not go by some magical calendar. Schedules aren’t really our thing in general. That’d be too organized. Too stuffy. Too… I don’t know… too planned. And we’re not the type of people whom plan.

We can’t.

If we could—plan—our lives would be much different. I think. It’s hard to say because this is how we’ve always been.

Our very togetherness is a result of impulse. I’m almost certain that the amount of time it took us to decide to move in together was significantly shorter than the amount of time it took us to remember each other’s names. We might have had our first conversation moments after that first… what I mean to say is we didn’t plan. Because planning would have been much too stifling for either of us.

Then it became, “We should probably get a bigger house.”

“I agree.”

And days later we’re in this three bedroom duplex that looks like it escaped Brazil’s Favela. In a blink of an eye I’ve gone from bachelor, the envy to my friends, living in a Southside on Lamar studio with the only true view of the Dallas skyline, to this… floor cluttered in toys, spoiled milk left out on the kitchen table—again—and the constant chatter of Bubble Guppies.

I had this beautiful human Yin-Yang portrait in my living room. Shades of grey. Very classy. It’s in a box now… closeted forever. And instead I’m surrounded by milestone achievements, like a participation placard for soccer. Not even a trophy. They didn’t give out trophies this year because they don’t want to single out any of the kids for being inadequate. This is a God’s honest framed piece of paper that says congratulations for participating. “Good job, honey… you showed up!”

That adorns our living room wall next to finger paintings and family photos and abysmal Mother’s Day macaroni art pieces that I made myself because our three children were either too young or too mature to make anything themselves. I’m a macaroni artist now. Because my photography has been deemed too inappropriate to display in front of the children. Because the words “tasteful” and “nude” apparently have no place together in the same sentence.  Because some psychologist told us that we need to wait for our children to be older to—I don’t know—fill them in, I guess.

And so, we don’t have time for schedules or occasions. My wife walks by, and the house is to ourselves, the littlest is sleeping cozily in her room. The oldest is doing, God-knows-what with God-knows-who, and our middle child, the star soccer player, is out of sight, out of mind, learning calculus or chemistry or Texas History or whatever it is they teach third graders these days. And the way my wife looks in her sweatpants and dingy brown shirt (that may have been white at some point, who knows), well it’s enough. We’re knocking formula to the floor and kicking aside chew toys that either belong to our dog or our daughter and my wife is sitting in the kitchen sink, as good a place as any. She tears the blinds down overlooking our fantastic view of a covered parking lot. Nails dig into my back and my hair is yanked and my ear is bit.

No candles. No music. No mood.

She just happened by and I figure, I guess, three girls isn’t enough. Maybe… by some miracle… I might have a boy in me this time.

Which brings me back to the half-day. Someone cold and hateful invented it. Because normal school hours are too much. Because six hours of school with four fifteen minute breaks and one hour for lunch is too much. Four uninterrupted hours of learning a day is somehow too much. And my daughter, for all her hard work, gets this occasional three-hour day that she somehow neglects to tell us about every single time.

Our neighbor also has a third-grader. Thomas. Sometimes Kayla gets a ride with them. Very nice folks. Mormons, I think.

Yeah, well, I forgot to lock the door, and Kayla, my little princess, decided to let everyone in. I’m sure you can imagine their surprise.

The half-day
I have a vision for a new book. Pretty self-explanatory. Just wrote this, so it's a bit rough, but I'm hoping to get some feedback before writing more. Would you want to read "Parenting for Sex Addicts"? What's your level of interest?
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Daily Deviation

Given 2014-09-22
Parenting for Sex Addicts by CWeebs reads like a slice of sitcom, exploring the foibles of two all-too-human parents against a backdrop of cluttered suburbia ( Featured by ShadowedAcolyte )
:iconkmon13:
Kmon13 Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2014  Student Artist
I read Daddy's day first so I figured I'd read this one as well and I have to say I'd wouldn't mind reading more of this... 
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:iconjzlobo:
JZLobo Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I love the cynical tone of this, it perfectly fits with the scenario described and really lets the reader into the protagonist's world.
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:iconankakalle:
Ankakalle Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2014  Hobbyist
Not my usuall pick for a book, but still interesting. I´d love to see how you develop this.
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:iconpikachick13:
PikaChick13 Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
Wut
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:iconx-o-the-revolution:
x-o-the-revolution Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2014
Hooray for fecundity! Heart 

Love the sweetness, rawness, realness, wholesomeness and naughtiness of this...
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:iconsanluris:
Sanluris Featured By Owner Edited Sep 22, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Ah, the half-day. Usually awesome for kids, not always so awesome for parents.
I wouldn't have known what was going on as a kid, but the neighbors sure would have.
It'd be fun to read more of this. It will probably remind me of being a kid.
:hmm:
Not because I ever saw my parents doing anything. They divorced when I was little. Just because the parents have three girls and my mom had three girls. The story talks about the kids' lives a bit, which kinda reminds me of when I was a kid. Even though it's about the parents, the kids are still a strong presence in the narrative, which is nice. :)
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:iconinkmusic113:
InkMusic113 Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I would get this book in an instant. Hilarious and unique!
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:icongeomoonelation:
GeoMoonElation Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
George-Takei-oh-my by SuperMoonImagination  
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:iconsamichez:
samichez Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This really made me smile after feeling a bit stressed today! You've really written something special!
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:iconcaptaincummission:
CaptainCummission Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
Normally I don't give two shits about writing on this site, but this caught my eye immediately and I am not disappointed in the least. Very funny :thumbsup:
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:iconniksche:
Niksche Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I loved the tone of this piece. The sort of "well, hell, how did I get here?" vibe is sort of rueful and humorous. It piqued my interest and made me want to read more.
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:iconshadowisstillalive:
ShadowIsStillAlive Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Hah, I can imagine something like this happening in real life. I'd be glad to read more.
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:iconcaptivitymustend:
captivitymustend Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2014
nice
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:iconpearwood:
pearwood Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Oh, dear.  I can picture the untold story with the troop trooping in on, "Mommy, Daddy, what are you two doing??"  :D
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:iconsenseless-surgery:
Senseless-Surgery Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
The title was eye-catching, though after reading someone's concern I can definitely spot the strange feeling in the title. However, it is that strange feeling that draws in the reader, and the story that keeps them there. This is a wonderful piece, and slightly depressingly funny with how realistic it is.
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:iconmarionetteyvette:
marionetteyvette Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I would read more if I could find books like this. 
Congrats on the DD; this is fantastic. 
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:iconkittykillsall:
KittyKillsAll Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I didn't think this would be so hilarious! That title ...not sure I liked it, gave weird vibes tho. Loved the writing tho!
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:iconagonizingswordfish:
AgonizingSwordfish Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Congrats on the DD! :w00t:
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:iconwistfulnebulae:
WistfulNebulae Featured By Owner Edited Sep 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
The title pulled me, but the actual writing was just fantastic. The story was great and I would love to read more. 
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:iconjbharker:
JBHarker Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
My level of interest is "Hell yes." This was amazing, I love how it read, it was smooth, actually, not too rough. I'd like to read more.
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:iconone-eyehitomi:
One-eyeHitomi Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2014  Student General Artist
ooooh that ending. XD
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:iconbloedzuigerbloed:
bloedzuigerbloed Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
:D That ending.
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:icondorminchu:
Dorminchu Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2014
Dark comedy.
This has potential! :D
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:iconjellylamps:
jellylamps Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I don't think they exactly planned that ending.
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:iconarynchris:
ArynChris Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2014
This is hilarious.
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:iconkakotheshadowwolf:
KakotheShadowWolf Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Haha, I loved this. I feel like I know the characters already, and I've only read a couple of paragraphs. ^^
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:iconvampirequeeneffeffia:
VampireQueenEffeffia Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh my God that ending! :rofl: That on its own is worth a fav! :clap:
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:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Congratulations on your well-deserved DD!!! :iconflyingheartsplz::iconlainloveplz::iconflyingheartsplz: :clap::clap::clap:
I’m very happy for you!!! :iconloveloveplz: :tighthug:
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:icongryffgirl:
Gryffgirl Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2014
As a parent, I found this funny, well-written and so true!  Nice little piece and the ending had me in stitches.  Congratulations on your DD! :clap:
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:iconwithering-lilies:
Withering-Lilies Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I loved reading  this, but was saddened at the shortness. I would happily read more, should you choose to write it.

As a young adult (can I still even consider myself "young"?) whose friends are getting married and having kids (not necessarily in that order or in combination), I'm constantly being regaled with stories like the one above. Of course, with no child or spouse of my own, my friends always seem to come to me to ask what is and isn't normal. Go figure.
It is always reassuring to both myself and my newly married/new parent friends to read stories like this and realize that, quite frankly, shit happens to everyone. The best we can do is accept and realize our faults, then find a way to laugh hysterically at what our follies bring us. You have most certainly achieved this last part!
I would immensely happy to read the new book. :)
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:icontreasures-of-wisdom:
Treasures-Of-Wisdom Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
The attention to detail is spot-on.  If you do not mind my saying so, I thought this was a personal confession of sorts until I noticed the "fiction" category, but this is still excellent.  I suppose that in a way it just goes to show what writing skill you had, since all of this seemed believable on some level or another, such that I can't pick out any one thing I would consider too exaggerated to probably exist in the world somewhere.  (As for a full book, on a personal level I'm not sure I have a interest in the subject, though please don't take that to mean that you couldn't write such a book and probably do it quite well.)

I love how the narrative style reads like a monologue or part of a conversation, and I found this--"They didn't give out trophies this year because they don't want to single out any of the kids for being inadequate. This is a God's honest framed piece of paper that says congratulations for participating. 'Good job, honey… you showed up!'"--to be especially touching.  And sobering.
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:iconcweebs:
CWeebs Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2013  Professional Writer
These are some great compliments, TOW. Thank you for such thoughtful and kind feedback.

I've somewhat recently joined the world of parenthood and as a result of this, am now friends with many other husbands and fathers. There are a few that have these one-upper conversations quite often; one will tell some story and the other will top it, and they always get pretty ridiculous, but the commonality is that marriage, and furthermore parenthood, has a huge impact on our sex lives. That's as far as I needed to go for inspiration. There's a bit of me in there, and a bit of the everyman as well.

I don't know where I would take it as far as a story is concerned. I like the idea of a series of loosely fictional confessions. But I also want to write something more sympathetic than risque. Not so much Californication, as I feel let down by Hank Moody's lack of redeemable qualities, but I would like to write something relatable and humorous about being a husband and father to several daughters and desperately wanting to find that male bravado that fades away with the territory.

Thank you for the kind words.

Chase
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:icondailylitdeviations:
DailyLitDeviations Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2013
Your wonderful literary work has been chosen to be featured by DailyLitDeviations in a news article that can be found here dailylitdeviations.deviantart.…
Be sure to check out the other artists featured and show your support by :+fav:ing the News Article.
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:iconcweebs:
CWeebs Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you!
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:iconinyourtaleimthewolf:
inyourtaleimthewolf Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I loved the read, I would love to see more. Well done
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:iconcweebs:
CWeebs Featured By Owner Nov 22, 2013  Professional Writer
Thank you for the comliment, Jarrett. I'm glad you liked it.
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